Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
You Might Also Like
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.