It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes