Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad