Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
*orders delivery*
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
no their not
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.