Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.