[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Happy Caturday!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?