Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.