Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.