Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You Might Also Like
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
one last job
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey