somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
scares
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.