What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.