I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
What about second breakfast?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*