😅😅😅
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.