I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies