Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
LOL
I hate everything
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.