[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
True freaking story!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Dear Lord..
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.