of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS