Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.