Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Born to be mild.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.