The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.