Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.