“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.