Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.