Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
How can I say no to this ?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*