I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I’m not lazy
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich