the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Traveler’s camo
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.