My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit