Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Who does Amazon think I am?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.