my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
You Might Also Like
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
umm…
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”