REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.