INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.