Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Best mom ever 😂
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My diet starts in January
of 2027
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished