i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
You Might Also Like
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I’ve had relationships like this
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance