The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Who did it better?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.