me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!