Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I think the cat got the dog high.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away