Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.