If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.