[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Ferrari squats
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.