M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?