[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn