Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
haha same
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise