*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay