Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.