Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
So true for me
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.