date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit