Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I need this for my side hustle.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese