Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.