My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.