The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
School be like
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
When ur friends with white people
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
the noise i just made
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too